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6/28/2007

Columns > Savage Love

SAVAGE LOVE

 

I would love your advice on how to deal with some news I got recently. At my most recent gyno visit, I found out I have two vaginas. I’d had a number of routine pelvic exams with my old doctor, but she never discovered it. During my first visit with my new doctor, however, she discovered my “atypical anatomy” right away. The anatomical specifics are not relevant to my question – everything is fully functioning, sex isn’t painful and everything externally looks completely normal.

I’m a straight girl in my early 20s and I’ve only had one sex partner before. Sex was great, and only occasionally did I have to take the guy’s dick and redirect him to the “better” vagina. We were both each other’s firsts – at the time I figured the occasional readjustment was par for the course. I didn’t find out about my two vaginas (sounds like a sitcom) until after the relationship ended, and I haven’t had sex since.

So here’s my question – is this little tidbit something I need to reveal to new sex partners before sex? After? Ever?

Very Abnormal Girl

The anatomical specifics may not be relevant to your question, VAG, but I’m going to cover them briefly for the sake of readers whose heads are exploding: VAG has what’s called a “didelphic uterus.” A female’s reproductive bits develop in utero when two tubes, the Müllerian ducts, fuse together to form a unitary uterus. If those ducts fail to fuse during fetal development, a woman can wind up with two of everything – two vaginas, two cervices, two uteruses. A didelphic uterus isn’t life-threatening, but it can complicate pregnancy for all sorts of obvious reasons.

OK, on to your question: Are you obligated to disclose? Seeing as your condition went undetected by your first gynecologist (Dr. Magoo, I presume?), unnoticed by your first boyfriend and places your future sex partners at no risk of physical or emotional trauma, you’re under no obligation to disclose.

However, just because you’re under no obligation to disclose doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Disclose too soon – before your first sexual encounter – and you risk scaring a guy off; disclose too late – after you’ve been having sex for a while – and you risk humiliating a guy; most men like to think they would notice that the woman they’re sleeping with has two vaginas. Even if, of course, most guys wouldn’t.

What you need is a rule of thumb: If I had two vaginas, I would disclose at month three. But I don’t have two vaginas, you do, and you’ll have to pick the time that feels right for you.

I was extremely disgusted by the “somnophiliac” who sought your advice about having sex with his sleeping wife. If someone cannot give consent in the moment, because, in this case, he or she is drunk or passed out, any further sexual actions constitute rape. It is irrelevant that she gave consent while she was awake. I am further offended that you did not hold him accountable. Although short, your response (“Ambien. Next!”) supported his criminal behavior.

I hope in the future you will hold perpetrators accountable and put a name to their actions: RAPE.

Disappointed Reader And Rape Survivor

I’m extremely sorry that you were raped, DRARS, although your baseless accusations of rape make me doubt you when you claim to be a survivor of rape. The feminist bloggers are going to accuse me of thought crimes: If a woman says she was raped then, by God, she was raped. (Tell it to the lacrosse team.) But if my reaction to your letter is a thought crime, I can only plead entrapment: I wouldn’t have had these illegal thoughts if you hadn’t sent me such a stupid letter in the first place.

We’ve covered this before, but apparently it’s a gong that needs to be struck every few years: A state of implied consent exists in healthy, long-term sexual relationships. I can, for example, initiate sex with my boyfriend of 12 years in the middle of the night without shaking him until he’s wide awake and then obtaining his verbal consent. If I crawl on top of him at 3 a.m., he can say, “Nope,” push me off and roll over, which obligates me to go back to sleep or go to another room and beat off.

In ILMSSL’s case, he received his wife’s advance consent. The problem, he wrote, “[is] when I try to touch her in her sleep, she whimpers, turns away and otherwise makes herself inaccessible,” which has left ILMSSL unable to “take the liberties that she has OK’d.” In other words, he hasn’t been able to have sex with his sleeping wife – with her consent – because she unconsciously pulls away from him, and he stops. And this man is a rapist?

As for my one word of advice, Ambien, I stand by it. The only times ILMSSL and his wife have been able to fulfill his fantasy is when she’s drunk and passed out. I’d be willing to pop a sleeping pill now and then to keep my boyfriend happy, so why not Ambien?

Finally, DRARS, I hereby withdraw my consent for you to read Savage Love. If you continue to read my column against my will, well, we all know what word to apply to your actions.

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