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12/25/2008

Columns > Happytown

HAPPYTOWN

 

When we heard Jesus was in town working on a production of Godspell at the GOAT (Greater Orlando Actors Theatre) space and celebrating his birthday, we decided that there’s no time like the present to speak with the Lord. (Not that we don’t speak with him all the time, mind you; it’s just that this time we were hoping for a conversation, rather than our usual one-way begging.) So here it is: The first time, that we know of, that any Orlando media outlet has been granted an interview with Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of the Cosmic Consciousness (aka actor Kevin Sigman in Jesus character).

Happytown™: What were you and Mary Magdalene really doing?

 

Jesus: I’m not aware of this Mary of whom you speak. Unless you mean my somewhat shy disciple, Angelyn, in which case the answer is “baking cookies.” Seriously, probably not what you think. Imagine having my father and all his heavenly hosts as your chaperone.

Happytown™: Indeed. What would Jesus, umm … you, eat? Middle Eastern? Do you prefer hummus or baba ghanoush?

Jesus: I love cuisines of all nationalities. All are welcome at the table of the Lord. Although typically I eat matzo and wine, a falafel with hot sauce, a side of baba ghanoush and a seltzer isn’t bad eating, either.

Happytown™: Let’s be real about yo momma – a lot of women get pregnant and don’t know how it happened, right? How do you know you were born unto a virgin?

Jesus: Well, that one’s easy. My father told me. Both of them.

For the full transcript of our interview with the Big Guy, check the Culture 2 Go blog at www.orlandoweekly.com.

Merry Christmas, perverts! One of our favorite yuletide stories of last year came in the form of a Daytona Beach holiday shopping bonanza that ended with nine hapless Sears shoppers – including a presumably incontinent Daytona Beach city commissioner and failed mayoral candidate, Mike Shallow (swallow!) – getting cuffed in their respective bathroom stalls for ruining Christmas in a very gay way.

“They would tap their feet, zip their zipper, make all kinds of different noises, reach under the stall at the same time they were masturbating,” revealed the typically tight-lipped police chief, Mike Chitwood, to WESH-2 News on Nov. 2, 2007, adding, “It’s scumbags like this that erode the quality of life and the fabric that we have here.”

Erm, have you been to Daytona Beach? That fabric is Lycra with cigarette holes in it.

Anyway, zip forward (quietly) to Dec. 16 of this year and the whole glory-hole controversy has come to a glorious holy conclusion. Despite Chitwood’s assertions that Shallow was in fact crawling under his stall divider into an undercover officer’s adjacent stall like a real Sears Craftsman, Volusia County judge Dawn Fields let one rip when she threw out all charges against Shallow. Fields ruled that the officers had no business peeking, basing her judgment on a 1994 Holly Hill case that ruled bathroom stalls are private, y’all. (Another case defining stall etiquette is currently in the Fifth District Court of Appeal.) Also, “However disturbing the defendant’s actions may have been, the act of masturbation in the stall of a public bathroom is not a crime, provided it is not in public,” Fields wrote, as reported in the Daytona Beach News-Journal, “and neither are the sounds of masturbation.”

Every time you hear an old man grunting, an angel gets its wings!

Christmas came a little early for our favorite WPRK-FM (91.5) radio blabbers, the Bantering Idiots (see our “Best of Orlando” issue, July 17). Word on the Internets is that they won an Internet contest about being on the radio, or something like that.

Oh, OK. A little research shows that they won a contest called “America’s Next Great Talk Stud,” even though there are five of them and one is a chick. But we digress.

The contest was sponsored by Los Angeles radio station 97.1 FM Talk, and winning it means the Idiots are taking their schtick on the road for one show in Los Angeles sometime in February. And from there, certain stardom. Or you can hear them on WPRK Monday mornings from 10 a.m. to noon, though we hear that they aren’t allowed to banter as much as they used to because WPRK has rules about how much music has to be played each hour.

Congrats. Oh, and Ed isn’t gay.

Aask Ian the I.T. Guy!

Dear Ian: I hear you are leaving us. Any final thoughts?Saddene

Saddened: You, intrepid reader, must have been perusing my Facebook profile again. For shame. You should get back to work and stop playing around on the Internet.

However, you are correct. I am indeed leaving this fair city to pursue adventure in parts unknown. Or more specifically, in the Windy City. I have been extraordinarily lucky to have been the Voice of Rationality at the Weekly for seven years now, and in my tenure, I have learned a few things that I can pass along to you now.

First, the only things that break computers are entropy and porn. If your computer is broken, it is because of one of these two unstoppable forces of nature.

I’ve learned that any project worth undertaking will always take longer and cost more than you can anticipate. Hire the best collaborators you can afford and you can minimize, but not eliminate, this effect.

Don’t hang out with people who are unlucky and unhappy. These toxic conditions are contagious and more difficult to get rid of than that rash you caught after your vacation in Thailand. Associate instead with folks who are happy and smart, and you will become more like them over time.

Last, allow me to impart unto you the wisdom I learned from the Great Sage of Santa Cruz, Robert Anton Wilson, unfortunately now deceased: “Like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, and don’t take crap off of nobody.”

My sincere gratitude to all of my friends and the fine people that I have had the privilege of working with during my 15 years in Orlando. This is a great city with lots of creativity bubbling up in the most unexpected places; scratch the surface and you’ll find it. I can only hope that the City Beautiful will treat each of you as well as it has treated me.

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