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9/3/2009

Columns > Police Beat

Police Beat

 

Aug. 21

(2009-397564) 7:06 a.m.: As you can see, the issue of the Mug Shot of the Week, which I droned on and on about last week, is still up in the air. Resolution is coming soon, so keep your pants on.

We’ll start this week with a little pranky awesomeness: “Unknown person(s) gained entry to the Citrus Bowl and damaged the turf by driving two golf carts over the field. The golf carts suffered damage, possibly from crashing into each other.”

(2009-397682) 8:59 a.m.: This week’s copper wire theft is brought to you from Boone Sign Erection & Service on West Michigan Street.

(2009-398719) 10:36 p.m.: An armed robbery on Mercy Drive? You don’t say.

(2009-398817) 11:30 p.m.: Our suspect – “described as a black female with strawberry red hair, wearing a pink shirt and plaid shorts, possibly known by the nickname ‘Black’” – allegedly stabbed our victim in the back with a broken beer bottle. He wants to prosecute.

I would, too. Although you have to wonder just a little bit what went down in the moments before said beer-bottle attack.

Aug. 22

(2009-398962) 1:11 a.m.: A young couple broke into a slew of cars on Commander Drive. One of the pair, a 21-year-old woman, was nabbed by security; the other, a 19-year-old man, ran like hell and escaped on foot.

Chivalry, where have you gone?

(2009-398992) 1:29 a.m.: Our Police Beat Dick o’ the Week award goes to the gentleman who decided that the Tabu nightclub was a fine place to smack his sister around. He also allegedly “battered several officers” at the scene, which in retrospect probably seems like a mistake.

(2009-399100) 3:11 a.m.: Two guys tried to break into a Washington Shores supermarket. The cops showed up and tracked down our bad guys after a short chase.

(2009-399103) 3:14 a.m.: Our next suspect was arrested on a drug violation at Antigua. Shocking. Turns out he’d already escaped from jail, so he’ll have to deal with that too.

(2009-399128) 3:50 a.m.: Attention, criminals. I know you have to steal to sustain your crack habit. Really, you should get help. That shit rots your brain.

But, if you must steal, there are plenty of crappy establishments to do it from. Just look at all the chains around here. So can we make a deal? You stay away from local businesses – particularly, one of the few fantastic soul food restaurants in town – and we’ll all look away.

OK, well, I can’t really speak for the cops, but you know what I mean.

(2009-399190) 5:17 a.m.: Oh lordy. “The victim was approached by two black males, one armed with a handgun. The suspects battered the victim and removed cash from his pocket and fled on foot.”

(2009-399193) 5:22 a.m.: So this is what happens when you leave your garage unlocked: A man enters and takes your bicycle and weed-eater.

(2009-399248) 7:12 a.m.: A transient “was observed in the 600 block of Park Lake Street attempting to open door handles to vehicles. The subject had a black bag with CDs, flashlights and other tools.” The cops arrested him.

(2009-399339) 9:37 a.m.: Someone broke into a Chinese restaurant and stole cases of Coke.

(2009-400061) 7:41 p.m.: A note to thieves: People walking to the Coalition for the Homeless tend not to have a lot of money on them, and thus may not be worth your time.

Plus, it’s kinda dickish to jack a homeless guy for his last few pennies. Clearly, if he had money, he’d be headed to a hotel instead. I’ve stayed at the shelter before. It ain’t the Ritz. Just saying.

Aug. 23

(2009-400536) 12:30 a.m.: If you’re a convicted felon who just burned a doobie in your car, and if you happen to have a weapon with you, it’s probably not a good idea to drive around in the dead of night with your stereo cranked high enough to draw police scrutiny.

(2009-400717) 2:51 a.m.: A guy broke into an occupied apartment. “Upon further investigation, it was discovered that a residential burglary (occupied) had occurred,” Officer Lappas reports. “The suspect was arrested. The suspect’s relationship to the victim was domestic in nature.”

(2009-400937) 8:22 a.m.: Stealing from a funeral home seems wrong somehow.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com
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