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9/10/2009

Columns > Police Beat

Police Beat

 

Aug. 26

(2009-405838) 7:15 a.m.: All right, so the verdict’s in: My better angels have prevailed, and the Mug Shot of the Week is relegated to the dustbin of this newspaper’s archives, alongside such long-forgotten, sometimes misbegotten features as Ask a Dominatrix! and News I Don’t Care About. Thanks to everyone – and there were a surprising bunch of you – who wrote. Just about all of you said we should kill the mug, and what do you know, we listened. So that’s that; we’re replacing it with a giant pull quote, which is kind of boring, but what the hell. Every other column does it.

Hey, so this week’s crime is off to a fun start: Some dude burglarized a company’s storage site and stole from three cars and a shed.

(2009-405973) 9:17 a.m.: “Unknown suspect(s) crawled into this parking lot via an opening in the fence. Once inside, unknown suspect(s) burglarized a vehicle in this parking lot. At this time there is no suspect(s) information.”

(2009-406301) 1:37 p.m.: Armed robbery in Parramore. The victim’s laptop and firearm were taken. Guess the bad guys got the drop on him, huh?

(2009-406699) 5:59 p.m.: Two guys broke into an apartment and beat the shit out of the three people inside, two of whom were teenagers. Nice. One of our alleged bad guys was rounded up by the fuzz.

Aug. 27

(2009-407529) 5:44 a.m.: A 1992 Harley-Davidson was jacked. Everyone in a five-block radius heard it drive away.

(2009-407700) 8:23 a.m.: A guy hopped a fence and burglarized a car.

(2009-407757) 9:16 a.m.: This next guy did him one better: He hopped a fence and burglarized two cars.

(2009-407779) 9:36 a.m.: A guy (or gal) broke into the Fence Company by … wait for it … walking through an open bay door. Irony. He (or she) jacked a nail gun and a table saw.

(2009-408038) 12:56 p.m.: And in keeping with our theme, our next villain hopped a fence to the city-owned Naval Training Center property and removed some copper wiring.

(2009-408838) 10:25 p.m.: Oh wow, something that’s not a burglary: It’s a straight-up robbery in which an “unknown number of suspects” forced a man to remove all of his clothes and took his wallet and cell. The man wants to prosecute. No kidding.

(2009-408869) 10:43 p.m.: Our villains broke into an apartment while our victim was asleep on her couch. They split.

Aug. 28

(2009-409323) 7:08 a.m.: Someone broke into a “secured, alarmed” business – no sign of forced entry equals inside job, no? – and stole a 24-inch iMac. Even bad guys know Macs rule.

(2009-409667) 11:48 a.m.: An apparent fitness nut broke into an apartment complex’s gym and stole an elliptical machine, a weight bench and weights.

(2009-409744) 12:48 p.m.: Another productive criminal adventure: “Unknown person(s) used unknown tools to pry the front door of the residence. Once inside they removed a 50-inch plasma television and a laptop computer.”

Dear crime gods, not to be a nag or anything, but can I please get something a little more … you know, interesting this week?

(2009-409923) 2:50 p.m.: Um, does this count? “On the above date and time, two black male subjects approached the victim as he was entering his residence. The victim, through a security mirror, saw the suspects returning and one had a gun. One of the subjects fired one round at the victim, striking the door, and the victim was left unharmed.” They fled.

(2009-409990) 3:48 p.m.: From the Wrong Place, Wrong Time file comes a tale of stray bullets: “Two subjects approached the victim. During the encounter, the victim was robbed of an undisclosed amount of money and personal identification. The victim advised he fought back utilizing a concealed firearm. Several gunshots were exchanged and an individual in a nearby vehicle was wounded in his upper leg.”

(2009-410154) 5:27 p.m.: For some reason, people steal PCs too.

Aug. 29

(2009-410921) 1:01 a.m.: Someone was carrying a gun who shouldn’t have been, and by hanging around with a bunch of “suspicious persons,” he practically begged the cops to take it and throw his ass in the clink.

(2009-411791) 4:14 p.m.: Attempting to rob an 81-year-old lady? Sad. Failing at it? Pathetic. “On the listed date and time, the elderly victim was grabbed by the suspect as she entered her backyard. … The victim struggled with the suspect as she attempted to call 911 with her phone and the victim kicked the suspect’s bicycle at him. The victim was able to run away from the suspect and flag someone down.”

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com
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