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Police Beat


Sept. 9

(2009-429225) 9:01 a.m.: Orlando has some of the greatest crimes of all time. This dude, for example, managed to climb a 12-foot electrified fence in his glorious quest to snag 34 airbags from an auto auction dealership.

(2009-429362) 10:44 a.m.: For the second time in two days, a bad guy broke into an auto dealership on the Trail and burglarized some cars. Wonder if the cops will stake out the joint.

(2009-429479) 12:06 p.m.: Five suspects – three guys and two women in long black dresses – “pried open the lock on the iPod cabinet in Wal-Mart and removed a large quantity of iPods before exiting the store.” And no one stopped them.

(2009-429487) 12:15 p.m.: The Police Beat Pedophile of the Week nod goes to this guy: “On [Sept. 8 and Sept. 9], 11- and 12-year-old students were approached by a black male driving a silver Dodge four-door, possibly a Dodge Magnum. The driver attempted to get the girls to get into the car with him but they ran off.”

Sept. 10

(2009-430468) 12:05 a.m.: Officers nabbed a 64-year-old transient with crack in Parramore.

(2009-430592) 1:36 a.m.: Cops arrested a 25-year-old woman with pot in Parramore. The streets are safe again.

(2009-431586) 4:38 p.m.: A 63-year-old man was assaulted with a semiautomatic handgun and a chair.

(2009-431624) 5:11 p.m.: Carjacking on Pine Hills Road. Officer Dier, the official OPD apple-polisher, tells us that “due to the cooperation between Orange County Sheriffs Office and Orlando police officers, the suspects were arrested, and two firearms conficated [sic].” They don’t cooperate on spelling.

(2009-432017) 10:01 p.m.: Officer Smith stopped a guy for a “pedestrian violation” (jaywalking). The guy consented to a search; the cop found one-hundredth of a gram of crack and a pipe on him, and took him to jail.

Sept. 11

(2009-433295) 4:49 p.m.: What did you do to honor America today? This guy stole tools, a power drill and a fan from a laundry business on North Mills Avenue.

(2009-433449) 6:30 p.m.: So just as we were Celebrating Freedom with another round of scotch at the bar, this gentleman was getting himself, his reefer and his AK-47 pulled over in MetroWest.

(2009-433636) 8:16 p.m.: Convicted felons selling drugs on street corners should not carry guns.

(2009-433748) 9:21 p.m.: This week’s pizza deliveryman armed robbery comes from Cason Cove Drive. Our alleged thief “implied he had a gun” and took the pizza. He never thought to ask for the oodles of cash those guys carry around. Doesn’t matter anyway; the cops tracked him down a short while later.

(2009-433851) 10:34 p.m.: “On the listed date and time, units responded to the Publix at Conway and Curry Ford due to a bomb possibly under a vehicle. [The Orlando Fire Department] bomb unit responded. No bomb was found.”

(2009-433890) 10:56 p.m.: “The victim approached a [Florida Highway Patrol] officer stating someone hit him in the head and he needed medical treatment.”

Sept. 12

(2009-433999) 12:02 a.m.: “The victim was sitting outside an apartment when the suspect approached him, pointed a gun at him, took his wallet and fled.”

(2009-434159) 2:06 a.m.: The Police Beat Lowlife of the Week award goes to this fellow, who beat, choked and “false[ly] imprisoned” his girlfriend, then stole her cell phone when she tried to call the cops. Fortunately, he was apprehended and spent the night in jail, where if there’s a Flying Spaghetti Monster in heaven (peace be upon his noodly appendage) he spent the evening having a deep, meaningful and pants-free conversation with a guy named Bubba. Ramen.

(2009-434734) 1:33 p.m.: If the two handguns won’t get you arrested, the half-gram of pot will.

(2009-435134) 7:43 p.m.: Hey, dickhead: “On the above date and time the suspect entered the business, grabbed the victim by the throat and punched her several times. The suspect took a phone and money.”

(2009-435382) 10:30 p.m.: So this day, Sept. 12, was to be the day Glenn Beck rallied a bunch of white people against the scourge of having a black president. Tens of thousands of ignorant, Obama-is-a-Kenyan-Marxist-Nazi sign-wavers descended on the National Mall (though Beck and Fox News claimed there were millions – billions, perhaps – and this was the most important protest in the history of man) and made a big hue and cry about government spending or universal health care or whatever. And Officer Ferrara forgot to tell us why the hell he arrested a transient for battering him.

I’ll let you decide which thing I care about more.
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