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(2009-468202) 7:47 a.m.: The week’s first criminal mastermind broke into a U-Haul center and stole a “high-speed buffer” and pads. Be on the lookout for suspiciously shiny whips.
(2009-468360) 9:39 a.m.: You know what’s awesome about the guy who stole a radio from a 1994 Cadillac that was in the shop? Nothing. Nothing at all.
(2009-468376) 9:52 a.m.: You know how all crimes happen in threes? Here’s part two: “Unknown suspects gained entry to [an auto sales dealership] at an unknown point via a chain link fence that surrounds the property. Once on the property, unknown suspects used a broken cinder block to shatter the south-facing front door to gain entry to the business and remove a copier, several car radios and a personal Bank of America checkbook belonging to an employee.”
(2009-468405) 10:13 a.m.: And of course, part three (which was submitted in all caps, per the latest OPD trend): “On Oct. 2, 2009,” Officer Ford writes, “Lee’s Garage and Auto Sales had a burglary where various items are taken from vehicles in the parking area.”
Officer Ford has quite the poetic flair.
(2009-468408) 10:14 a.m.: If you’re going to brazenly march into a Bank of America – side note: that’s B of A’s second mention in one column. Product placement! I demand royalties – hand the teller a note and ask for money, you might want to consider brandishing a weapon, lest the teller turn you away, humiliated and empty-handed, and the cops round you up shortly thereafter. Tellers have caught on to these not-quite-armed robberies that have popped up like weeds in the City Beautiful of late.
(2009-469020) 5:13 p.m.: Some dude popped another dude in the head with a glass bottle. The victim wouldn’t cooperate with the cops on account of not wanting another ass-whuppin’.
(2009-469447) 9:10 p.m.: Somebody stole a 1998 Nissan 240SX from an apartment complex, which, of all the cars to steal, why? What an ugly automobile. Especially one with “rear-end damage.”
(2009-469522) 9:50 p.m.: From the Crimes Against Tourism file comes news that a man burglarized an I-Drive hotel. Midway through, the young couple renting the room, who were probably looking forward to a quiet evening of coitus, interrupted said burglar, causing him to flee.
(2009-469647) 10:57 p.m.: Oh hey, so you know that 1998 Nissan I was making fun of, right up there? The “light green/gray/taupe” one with rear-end damage? Well, well, well, lookie what turns up as a suspicious vehicle in an armed robbery just a couple of hours later: a “light green/grey/taupe” 1998 Nissan 240SX with rear-end damage. Coincidence? No sir. Although the police report cobbled together by Officer Nas seems to finger a dark-green Olds as the suspect vehicle. Police reports can be so confusing.
(2009-469654) 11 p.m.: Officer Mongelluzzo gets right to the point: “On the above date and time a traffic stop was conducted, which resulted in the recovery of 4.7 grams of crack cocaine and an arrest.”
(2009-469697) 11:23 p.m.: Officer Jackson, on the other hand, is just confusing: “On the above date, time and location Officer [redacted] responded reference battery over width.” As best can be deciphered, a man broke into a woman’s house “without permission,” Officer Jackson notes, “battered” her and fled to a nearby residence where he was quickly apprehended. “No injuries were sustained to victim.”
(2009-469698) 11:23 p.m.: And what would a day be without a drunken tourist at Universal battering a cop?
And speaking of battering cops, did you see what went down in Edgewater last week, when the cops arrested a freaky-looking, apparently disease-ridden and bleeding man for throwing a pillow. “I felt the pillow was biohazardious material and could contain hazards,” one cop said in the police report, according to the Sentinel.
Wow. Just wow.
(2009-471577) 1:22 a.m.: Just a thought: If you’re a 53-year-old MetroWest woman, you might not want to let the neighborhood kids know you keep a .22-caliber pistol in your car. They might break in and steal it.
Of course, because they’re kids and kids are stupid, they’ll quickly be caught and the gun will be returned to you forthwith. Still, the rest of us would rather these hooligans didn’t have access to weapons in the first place.
(2009-472573) 8:07 p.m.: This next fellow wins both the Police Beat Dumbass and Asshat of the Week awards. (A two-fer!) The latter for breaking into a pregnant woman’s house and holding her and her 6-year-old son at gunpoint to steal $300; the former for being a “known suspect” – which is copspeak for the fact that the woman knew who he was, which made him remarkably easy to catch.
In other words, if you must commit an armed robbery to support your fix or some other worthy cause – and really, you shouldn’t, because that’s mean – don’t stick up someone who knows who you are.