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(2010-297905) 3:30 p.m. — Sometime between 7 p.m. on June 23 and 3:30 p.m. on June 24, some lucky person’s dream of becoming a construction worker finally came true when he stumbled across an unattended forklift. He swiped the piece of machinery from the Airgas South on N. John Young Parkway, and … well, we’re not sure. Somehow the perp managed to get the thing off the premises, but how, exactly, does one remove a forklift without anyone noticing? Do you ride it off into the sunset and hope nobody notices? It’s a goddamn forklift! Nobody noticed it puttering down the road sometime in the middle of the night and found that strange? Nobody?
(2010-300173) 8:15 p.m. — What happened at the Nassau Bay apartments, Officer Kirby?
“The victim suffered a gunshot wound to his neck and one (possibly a second) to his lower left abdomen.”
We know the local PD isn’t an operation as classy as Law & Order: Criminal Intent but, um, nobody knows for certain how many times the guy got shot? Send in the Guardian Angels, already. Or Jeff Goldblum.
(2010-301301) 8:15 a.m. — A fireworks tent on South Chickasaw Trail was robbed. Missing items include “fireworks merchandise and an undetermined amount of United States currency.”
(2010-302561) 12:30 a.m. — Here’s Officer Chase with the call: “Victim stated that a fight broke out and that as a result he was stabbed. Victim stated that he did not know who stabbed him and did not want to press charges.” Nothing like reporting a crime you don’t really care about.
(2010-303901) 10:30 p.m. — At the intersection of Bethune and Rogers drives, a man “wearing blue shirt [sic] and orange striped pants” robbed another of his cell phone and backpack after producing a firearm. Hey Gator fans: Just because the Holy Saint Tebow is now in Denver doesn’t mean you have to start robbing people at gunpoint. Cut it out.
(2010-304623) 10:12 a.m. — How much weed is a lot of weed? Three ounces? Ten ounces? Try three pounds of the MJ. When coupled with 18.9 grams of cocaine, we have ourselves an arrest for possession. But wait, there’s more! The arrested person was a pretty bold guy to receive this surfeit of substances via the good ol’ United States Postal Service. Those Priority Mail flat-rate boxes really do ship anything, anywhere for one low flat rate.
(2010-306195) 8:15 a.m. — Someone broke into the Dover Shores Baptist Church on Gaston Foster Road by busting in a glass door. “What was stolen?” you ask. Some Christian icons that hark back to the days of Byzantium’s iconoclast-in-chief, Leo III the Isaurian (look him up—he was a crazy motherfucker)? A holy grail? A baptism urn? Nope. Just some Skittles and cans of soda. Requiescat in pace.
(2010-307387) 11:22 p.m. — This week’s chapter of Shakespearean intrigue and tragedy ends at Mako’s, a liquor establishment on Church Street, where two persons were arrested for stealing four Budweisers from “the open beer/liquor shed that belonged to Mako’s bar.” Really? You left your beer in an open shed in a place where drunk people wander around ‘til the wee hours of the morning? And somebody snagged a few cans? Color us shocked. Anyway, the suspects were charged with petit theft and burglary, though it seems like a bit of a stretch to call swiping a couple of cans of Bud from an open shed outside a bar a burglary. Tangentially: doesn’t being charged with “petit theft” sound a bit kinky?