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(2010-345851) 11:37 a.m. — Officer Ross and “members of the Echo/Alpha dayshift squad” (which sounds more important than it probably is) responded to an incident, wherein the victim “stated he was assaulted by ‘police,’ by the ‘FBI’ or by the ‘US Marshalls.’” The case is being investigated.
(2010-346487) 7:36 p.m. — A house on Bristol Channel Way was “ransacked.” Among the items stolen from the residence: a sword (along with lesser, non-weapony things like an Xbox 360). Braveheart must have also been hungry because the refrigerator door was left open; according to Officer Hernandez, the ajar fridge door “has been the M.O. in at least one other residential burglary in the same area.”
(2010-346710) 10:03 p.m. — More from our “creepy voyeurism file”: A woman observed a man masturbating “after the suspect called for her attention.” The woman apparently didn’t take that as a compliment. She called the police, at which point the masturbator pulled out a knife and walked toward her. This begs the question: Were both of his hands free before coming at her with the knife?
(2010-347631) 11:13 a.m. — Officer Ludwig parked his squad car for the night. When he returned to it the next morning, he found it covered in “an unknown yellowish-white powdery substance.” OPD is calling this “criminal mischief,” but we’re thinking it was just pollen. Or anthrax. But probably pollen.
(2010-347713) 12:37 p.m. and (2010-347832) 3:00 p.m. — It appears that the nuclear family just isn’t what it used to be. At 12:37 p.m., a 16-year-old girl was arrested for “pulling a knife on her father and punching her sister in the mouth.” In a separate case two hours later, a 26-year-old woman “cut her mother with a six-inch steak knife in the face and shoulder area.” Both suspects were taken into custody.
(2010-351911) 7:50 a.m. and (2010-351987) 8:57 a.m. — Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but it shouldn’t have to be obtained through unlawful means. As dawn broke, suspects broke into Florida Electric Motor Services, stealing “candy, snacks, soda, water, frozen food” and some tools. Later that morning, the Hope Unites United Church of Christ was burgled. Some televisions and janitorial supplies were taken. What’s the connection between these two break-ins? In perhaps the most boneheaded move possible, when the suspect(s) left the church, they left behind some trail mix from the litany of foodstuffs that was stolen that morning from Florida Electric.
(2010-352466) 3:58 p.m. — A minivan was stolen in Jacksonville and listed for sale on Craigslist in Ormond Beach three days later. After it was sold to someone in Port Orange by a person who knew nothing of its questionable past, the van was stolen out of his driveway and listed for sale in Orlando—on Craigslist, of course— the next day. Cops decided to “arrange a meeting to buy the van” (which is police speak for “busting the perp”) after getting a tip from the purchaser. The suspect, who trafficked the van around the I-95 corridor, was arrested.