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Police Beat
July 30
(2010-357143) 8:30 a.m. — Miscreants spray-painted “a ninja holding a rat” on a wall on Ferncreek Avenue with a caption reading, “Think! WANNA BLAB Tested,” along with a pair of eyes. Yeah, we don’t get it either. They struck again on Hillcrest Street with the inscription “Skool Sux and sex” on a retaining wall before finishing their wave of mutilation by spray-painting a Ted Edwards campaign sign on Concord Street with the words “Fuck nap time” on the back. They embellished the message with a swastika and a heart. As if our Banksy wannabes could not get any more adorable/bizarre, the police report-cum-art critic’s review notes that “the ninja pictures appear to be a stencil since all three pictures were too perfect.”
July 31
(2010-359222) 1:32 p.m. — “A victim states he was attacked by this girlfriend,” reads this report. She scratched the shit out of the bridge of his nose (with her nails, the police report is quick to note) and was charged with battery.
(2010-359390) 4:15 p.m. — In the running for our Surreal Crime of the Week Award is this arson case: Four young heathens set the baby-changing areas inside Barker Park’s public restrooms ablaze and were seen running away afterward. Talk about a fiery case of diaper rash.
(2010-359768) 9:40 p.m. — Officer Briscoe was on patrol at Demetree Park after-hours. He was greeted by a man brandishing a machete who was “making a defensive posture toward” the squad car. Apparently he was prepared to go down defending the park (or something) as he started to lift the machete in the air, but our would-be Indiana Jones was also shit-faced and started to wobble around. Eventually, he threw his weapon to the ground and surrendered peacefully.
Aug. 2
(2010-361810) 8:45 a.m. — Lately, we’ve seen a lot of police reports about people breaking into businesses or homes and stealing food, which is just depressing. Here’s one from this week: Unknown assailants threw a brick through the Junior League’s offices on Lucerne Circle, stealing a card reader of some sort and “some soda and water from the kitchen.” The ironic part about the crime is that the Junior League lists hunger as one of its core causes, according to its website.
(2010-362431) 5:23 p.m. – How’s this for a bad day on the job: The suspect asked his mechanic to go with him for a test drive to help him figure out what’s wrong with his vehicle. The suspect “became angry” and started beating the mechanic while driving west on W. Washington Street. At some point in the drive, the suspect then asked a friend sitting in the backseat of the car to give him a gun because he wanted to shoot the mechanic, who finally managed to “knock the gun out of his hand and jump out of the vehicle.” He then flagged down a police officer and passed on the suspect’s information. Police arrested the suspect and took him to jail. Yikes.
Aug. 4
(2010-365301) 3:10 p.m. — Officers McConnell and Carty were pounding the pavement on Timberleaf Boulevard, when they hunted down a “suspicious person in the basketball court area.” Said person happened to have a .380-caliber handgun and “several baggies of cannabis.”