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3/15/2007

Politics

DOWNTOWNOPOLY - 2017 EDITION™
It's our future! It's a game! AND IT'S FUN!
Illustrations by Matt Bors

 

It's the Year of Our Lord 2017. The City Beautiful is booming. Parramore is without crime, diverse both in race and income. The Magic won the NBA championship in their sparkling new arena. Hipsters are pouring into the Creative Village and yuppies are packing downtown condos. Taxes are low. The urban core is vibrant.

Such is the scenario our current city leaders would have us believe: that the new events center, the performing arts center and a refurbished Citrus Bowl will usher in a new era for Orlando. In theory, they will revitalize our downtrodden neighborhoods and our dormant downtown. They will make us world-class, and are therefore worth the $1 billion-plus price tag.

In reality these things are a gamble. Everything could go right. The stars could align, the Magic could win, an NFL team could cast a flirtatious eye our way. We could host big-name concerts, we could attract loads of people with lots of disposable incomes. We could become the model of modern urbanism.

Or things could go wrong. This deal, and our very mode of downtown regeneration, is a house of cards. If something doesn’t go as planned, the whole thing tumbles. It’s a game, albeit one neither our cheerleading daily newspaper nor our rosy-spectacled elected officials want to talk about.

Local politicos are playing a game with the city’s future. We thought we’d do the same. So roll the dice. You have as much chance of winning as Orlando does.

RULES OF THE GAME:

Roll the die (sold separately). Move forward the number of spaces that appears on the die, then follow the directions in the space you land on.

If you land on a space that sends you backward, your turn ends after you move back.

The blue boxes on the board are “free speech” zones. Landing on one gives you the right to speak up and demand that any other player switch places with you on the board.

If you land in hell you lose three turns. However, you can get out early by rolling a six. Upon leaving hell you must go directly to church.

The first player to land on “finish” wins. However, you must land exactly on the finish square. If, for example, you are three spaces away and you roll a four, you must stay put and wait for your next turn.

VARIATION FOR ADULTS 18 AND OVER

Downtownopoly can also be played as Strip Downtownopoly: 2017 Edition™. Remove an article of clothing every time you land on a space that directs you backward. If you lose all of your clothing before concluding the game, go to hell. If you land on the megachurch, put all of your clothing back on.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A PRINTABLE PDF OF DOWNTOWNOPOLY YOU CAN REALLY PLAY!

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